bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
