I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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