Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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