Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
