Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
