We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
