epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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