I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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