Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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