I'm pants shitting drunk right now
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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