Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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