when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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