I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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