Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
