I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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