I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
