Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
