why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
