I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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