Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
