I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
