remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
