There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I am available for nakedness
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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