an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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