When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
