Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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