tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
