my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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