so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
