Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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