Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
