and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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