I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
