Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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