We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
