we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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