I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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