Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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