Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
