what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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