Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
