worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
