I'm gonna have a badass scar
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
