I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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