Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
