when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
