I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
