You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
