afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
