We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
His nipple licking is glorious
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